Rescuing Hades

Had a brainwave on the train today, I was thinking about G and I realized something. He's living (or needs to live) the myth of Hades and Sisyphus:

Zeus was enamored with the daughter of a river god and was romancing her in a wooded valley when her father started looking for her and ran into King Sisyphus who told him that Zeus had fallen in love with his daughter and was in the process of abducting her. The enraged father found them walking in the woods and, brandishing a large club, raced toward the unarmed Zeus (who had hung his thunderbolts in a nearby tree while he courted). The startled Zeus quickly turned himself into a rock, confusing the father, and this allowed Zeus time to retrieve his weapons and "shoot" him in the leg with a thunderbolt.

Even though he’d escaped, Zeus felt humiliated and was furious with the king and his big mouth! Zeus ordered Hades to capture and imprison the king and to administer the severest of punishments possible.

So Hades went to fetch Sisyphus. The king not only refused to go quietly but also tricked Hades into handcuffing himself, then kept Hades in captivity for over a month, walking him around the palace on a leash and making fun of him. Needless to say, the somber and dignified Hades was not at all amused!

Ares, the god of war, currently bored with the endless petty wars of the Greeks decided to rescue Hades and came to his assistance, threatening to decapitate Sisyphus if he didn’t release him and turn himself in as Hades’ prisoner.

The rescue was successful, but the wily Sisyphus had another trick up his sleeve. Once they had arrived in the Underworld, Sisyphus pleaded his case in front of the Queen, arguing that he could not be retain in the Underworld because he was not yet dead, nor had he ever paid the ferryman. Persephone allowed him to leave, but with instructions to return the next day, suitably dead and with a coin under his tongue to start his sentence.

Sisyphus laughed all the way home, thinking that there was no way that he would go back . . . but the next day Hermes showed up on his doorstep announcing that Fates had decreed that it was his time to die….and Hermes escorted him into the Underworld to face his fate.

Once they reached the Underworld, Hades’ Judges of the Dead pronounced his sentence -to push a heavy rock over the top of the mountain in Tartarus and each time the rocks rolls back (which it always did, of course) to start all over again. Hades added an extra touch and had the rock shaped just like the one Zeus had transformed himself into, just in case Sisyphus missed the point!

He's so stuck in his isolated world, only doing what he can do "perfectly," which means that he never does anything at all! But, even though this Capricorn/Saturn/Hades is an important part of him - and has, I'm sure, done a lot to help him - he's completely unbalanced. I know he also has an Ares/Aries side, which his Hades side keeps pushed down. One of the signs of this is the kind of women he's attracted to, like derby girl Suzy Hotrod - tough, passionate, lives loud and takes no prisoners. She's basically a female version of Ares, the part of himself that he runs away from (and whenver I try to talk to him about this he literally runs away.)

Ares part of the myth goes like this:

Ares, rarely went out of his way to come to the aid of his fellow Olympians. But once, bored with the endless petty wars of the Greeks, he decided to rescue Hades who was being held captive by King Sisyphus. Ares came to his assistance, threatening to decapitate Sisyphus if he didn’t release him and turn himself in as Hades’ prisoner. Trembling with fear, Sisyphus surrendered to Hades.

His Ares side has to rescue his Hades side. Maybe because it's bored? I don't know, but I do know that he's living this myth out.


Yesterday I read about Marie-Louise von Franz's relationship with physicist Wolfgang Pauli. She tried so hard to help him live the life his soul was directing him to but he ran away, too. In the end, he died that way. As she put it, "If you want me to sum up the relationship: I tried to pull him out and didn't succeed." It's sobering to see that it's possible to love someone and desperately try to help them and fail - it's possible to be as brilliant and strong as von Franz and fail - if the person you care for is too scared to go down the road that's calling him.

In the documentary The Way of the Dream von Franz talks about how women will sometimes try to protect themselves from the pain of relationships by not letting themselves fall in love. Well, that's what I'm getting to experience right now. It's hard enough to have to suffer for your own sake, but the grinding frustration of caring for someone but being completely helpless is almost intolerable! But we have to remember, as she said in the interview about Pauli, that to really love someone is the most healing thing you can do for them:

In a love relationship... you risk everything. You put yourself on a table, you stop the power game and the trying to dominate or conquer the other person. If you succeed in really loving the other person, if you really relate, then all sorts of miracles happen.

Hopefully, by staying with this, a miracle might happen.

Nausicaa and the young, wild, free feminine

It just occurred to me what the dream about the tiny animal is about; my femininity!

I was re-reading it again, trying to figure it out - words like wild, free, young, innocent, gentle, playful, perfect, feminine, fertile kept coming up. The young girl I'm with, the field of violets, the little girl's room, the big jackelope and the tiny animal, all are my wild, free, young feminine self. I've kept it caged because I was afraid it would get hurt, but all that did was to hurt it more than being free and risking pain would have.

I'm on my journey, the independent girl who knows what she wants and goes for it with me. I feel like I don't belong here but, like in Snow White or many other fairy tales, I've stumbled upon a magical little house in a magical, flower covered field. Whose house is it? In the dream, I worry that the owners will come back, just like Snow White. How do I know they won't welcome us? Or even that this is my own house, that I forgot about?

The girl reminds me of M showing up in my dreams as a guide - she's probably the same figure; independent, able to express her feelings and say "no." This is a part of me that I don't see in myself, that I've supressed. This figure reminds me of Nausicaa; what initially made me think of her was the little creature. I was trying to imagine what the little creature was like and kept imaging small, playful, energetic little deermouse like creature when I thought of Teto. And then I thought of Nausicaa, and she's the perfect image: she has the King of Cups in her, as well as travelling with the little wild creature on her shoulder. She's natural and expresses her feelings fully. The only thing is, she doesn't relate to others on a one to one level - she's still a prepubescent girl and too young to think about boys. But the young, Artemis/Kore like girl is in me. Does she need to be expressed?

And it seems like my animus is in the process of changing. Yes, the "you can't do that!" cop is still there, but he's changing; he wants to be supportive now. And, at the end, he's the one I follow - is that a good idea?? I think it might be - I suppose the zombies might be a part of myself that I need to get in touch with but he is there, guiding me when I'm in danger (possibly). Perhaps the zombies are this part of myself that I've kept locked away - perhaps the animus is guiding me through this experience (?) The reading I did about the dreams suggests so; when I asked about this dream, it told me about my animus. Is it that there's some relationship between healing my relationship with my animus and freeing the little animal?

My animus was both a way for me to protect my inner Persephone/Kore (the fragile, wild, innocent feminine) and the cage that was killing it. In healing my relationship with the animus, the Kore can be freed; it wasn't until the cops came and the young girl stood up to them - and the other cop helped us - that the house appeared. Does this mean that the inner young, wilful girl has to stand up to the inner cop to find my inner home?

More to think on...

Meet Mr. Helathy Animus

I had an amazing reading - although I did it about my dream about the little creature it ended up saying some amazing things about my animus. When I was doing the reading, and thinking about the King of Cups, it suddenly came to me, ZAP, this is my animus! Or, at least my animus as it could be.

All my life I've been attracted to men like the King of Cups - calm, confident, king, with a great sense of humor, a natural leader but not pushy or egocentric. Just the opposite in fact. One of my early realizations was that we project our bright shadow onto our objects of desire was looking at the kind of men I was attracted to, and how they carried the very qualities I keenly felt the lack of. I saw this in others; G for instance, and his attraction to fiery, passionate, confident women... women who carry his suppressed Ariean shadow. Well, now I know... Our anima(us), when healthy, is our bright shadow. This is the beloved that we constantly search for outside ourselves, that, if we don't realize we carry them within us, we can never find. Ironically, it was only when I stopped clinging to the animus that he was able to start to become his best self.

Au revoir, demon lover... and good riddance!

I search
but the desert is everywhere;
I gasp
but there is no water to quench;
I cry
but there are no arms to enfold;
I yearn
but there is no breast to suck;
I long
but there is no milk to nourish;
I need
but there is no phallus to embrace;
I feel
only the exploitation of my friends;
I fear
that death may be the same.


I've been going through a rather earth shattering experience lately, the kind that completely changes the way you look at everything: I've come face to face with the demon lover side of my animus. Or, more appropriately, I've come to realize that's who's been acting in my life lately... And not just lately, but really my entire life.

I kept having dreams that seemed to be pointing to a change in my relationship with G (another lover, color project, shelf house), dreams where another lover makes an appearance, but I still have feelings for G and can't decide. I finally did a reading asking what I should do, if I was doing something wrong, or not doing enough. For a while before this I had decided that it would be best for both me and for G if I waited until he had the courage - or just wanted me enough (if ever) - to make a move himself. After all, he knew damn well how I felt, and he was the one who had rejected me.

Well, the reading was pretty unambiguous (or as unambiguous as a tarot reading can be). Basically, it said that I had a possible future of love and fulfillment in all areas (the 9 of cups  "wish card" for the possible future and the 2 of cups for the probable future). It also said that I had had an opportunity in front of me but I had failed myself in some way. But the card that really got me to thinking was the Queen of Swords, which was in the position of the outer self.

... She never shows her emotional side, but her judgment can sometimes be swayed by her heart... The negative side of the Queen of Swords stems in part from her honesty and desire for the truth. Once she has a view of the situation she lets everyone involved know her opinion, and heaven help them if they disagree! Her mind is as sharp as a razor and when it is not occupied slicing away lies, it will start to cut the perceived liars. This type of person often has very few friends, and they are often depressed and unsatisfied with themselves because they cannot live up to their own high standards. The Queen of Swords often uses her dry and vicious humor to keep others from seeing her bitterness and her dissatisfaction.

And then I got the cosmic 2x4 over the head - another one of those groan-out-loud moments - when I read the chapter titled "The Tyrant" in Fraser Boa's Conversations on Jungian Dream Interpretation with Marie-Louise von Franz. The book is based on a documentary series (this post begins with a poem from the book). The chapter starts:

In its negative form a woman's inner man, the animus, is a power of evil destructive to human life. He separates a woman from her own femininity. He cuts her off from human warmth and kindness, and leaves her isolated in a meaningless world, martyred by unseen hands. She experiences herself as a victim, a captive, trapped either by external circumstance or by a cruel fate.

... And that was just the first 2x4. The whole chapter was basically the universe beating me over the head with a large stick, trying to get me see what was going on.


Self-hate

Then, in the dream, the chief of police declares that the woman is crazy. That's the secret voice in her that says, whenever she follows her own feeling, "No, that's crazy! Don't do that. You are crazy if you do that."

(p. 157)

That's the negative animus. Those collective opinions rape the woman of her own individual thoughts or feeling reactions.

For instance, when I have indulged in destructive thoughts about myself or my work, I have often dreamt of being pursued by hostile men. The dream is saying, "Those negative thoughts are not you. They are the hostile animi in you. You should run away from those destructive thoughts. They will destroy you if you stay with them."

(p. 163)

There's a voice inside women's head. We think it's us, just our "rational", "level-headed" selves but it's not. It belongs to the demon that sets up camp in us when our relationship to our inner man is crooked. An animus in his positive role is an energizing source of power and a guide to the spirit, but when he's demonic he drives others away from us... and drives us away from the love we long for. And, ironically, his rigid pronouncements are nothing more than bland, meaningless platitudes, not the truth that he declares them to be.

As with a man's relationship with his mother, our relationship with our father sets the template for our relationship with our animus:

If the relationship to the father constellates itself negatively, the girl will react negatively toward the father... later on she generally has dificulties with men, and difficulties in finding her own masculine side. In the extreme case she might not be able to approach men at all... If it is not such an extreme case, she would be what one would call a very difficult woman. She would argue with men, challenge them, criticize them, and try to pull them down. She would expect negativity from them, and this expectation would naturally put difficulties on her partner.

In other words, the animus, her own masculinity, would be a problem to her. Such a woman would tend to behave toward herself as her father behaved toward her. If her father was tyrannical, even after his death, the woman would still tyrannize herself with ideas and opinions which came from the father image. And so a girl's relationship to her father and her detachment from the father always play a big role in her development as a woman.

(p. 156)

Not only does a negative relationship with her father create an image inside the woman that continually spills it's poison inside her, it also spills it's poison onto others. And it makes her expect other men to to act the same, putting her on the defensive, even when there's no need for defense.

[T]he worst thing is that she experiences it as if she thinks it herself... That's one of the great difficulties in analytical work: to make women distinguish between what they really think themselves and what it thinks in them.

The problem is that they think animus thoughts are their own. Even after working for years on that, I sometimes still have negative thoughts against myself, and if you asked me at that moment, I would say, "Yes, that's what I think about myself." Later, I would have a dream of a man raping me, and realize, "No, that was an evil animus in me who thought that." And then I could disidentify and wonder, "Why on earth did I ever think that about myself? Naturally, I don't think that." But you see, that is the essence of what one calls possession. When a woman is possessed by the animus, she thinks that the animus is herself. Only when, or if, she wakes up does she come to realize, "No, that's not me."

(p. 159)

Looking back at my life, I can see - so clearly now - how this negative animus held me under it's spell. It was an incredible experience reading this chapter - it was my life she was describing! From my youth, where I couldn't even let a man touch me, to getting past that but always crashing on the rocks of my own insanity when I was in a relationship.

The incredible thing is that I've been proud of my negative animus. Being in my animus made me feel strong, and tough, like I wouldn't take any bullshit from anyone... And then I'd freak out when I damaged a relationship and had to face the consequences of my actions. Von Franz describes the negative animus as a gangster; he attacks and uses the woman as his shield. When a man strikes back at the animus, he ends up hitting the woman. That's been me, too.

My whole life I've been paralyzed by the negative talk from my animus - I'm always convinced I did something stupid, that people despise me, that I can never do anything right. THIS IS MY BLUEBEARD ANIMUS!! It isn't me - it isn't me at all!!! This revelation about who is really the source of all of these negative self thoughts by itself has made a huge difference in my life; when they start coming up, I can say "No, that's not me. Calm down, animus. Take your rightful place - not this stupid, self-destructive crap. You're better than this!"


Jealous Lover

The negative animus behaves here like a jealous lover. He wants to keep the woman for himself by cutting her off from all men. When she has some loving feelings toward any man, then up comes this "You should not do that" animus. Or it's projected.

(p. 158)

He doesn't just cut us off from romantic love - he'll try to interfere with any relationship - but love lights a jet under his butt so he's hopping around your head, making you think you're a complete idiot. And the more you like someone, the more vicious he gets. Which was why I never let myself like anyone... or if I did I'd squash those feelings right away. After all, I was an idiot and a jerk and too crazy to have a relationship with anybody, right?

That is the greatest tragedy arising from the negative animus. It flares up with its power whenever a woman loves. It tries to cut women off from any kind of relationship by belittling it or calling it crazy. The negative animus mainly manifests itself as an opinionated resistance to any feelings of love. If a woman has a tendency to fall in love or even to be interested in a man, her negative animus comes up and makes her ruin the relationship.

Subjectively, she doesn't know what is happening. She thinks she is under a curse. Just when she wants to talk to the man she loves, something in her makes a tearful scene. And then she goes home and cries. She may project and say, "He was so nasty to me," but if she's a bit more honest she will say, "I wanted to have a good love relationship with him, and just because I wanted the relationship I made a scene." And she doesn't know what devil's mechanism made her do it. If a woman hits you as a man, you can be sure she's interested in you. She would really like to love you, but she doesn't know how.

(p. 158)

But it doesn't matter if you don't have a real relationship with an actual man... Demon Lover will be the perfect lover; reliable, well muscled, sensitive when you need it, and great in bed to boot! (Too bad he only exists in your fevered imagination.)

What Marilyn Monroe was to men, Valentino was to women. He represented the ideal demon lover, who would carry the woman away into a romantic ecstasy where she could create fantasies about the Sheik. Of course, being carried away by the demon lover into a romantic us-two-aloneness goes on in modern films as well. Generally if women are unhappy in their relationships with their husbands or their lovers, they dream and fantasize about being carried away and having a secret, nocturnal love affair with their animus.

The demon lover figure exerts a kind of demonic or divine fascination on the woman and makes her incapable of relating to an ordinary human being. He is personified as Heathcliff in Emily Bronte's Wuthering Heights. In the novel, Bronte shows the power of the identification by having her heroine say, "I don't love Heathcliff... I am Heathcliff." It's interesting that Emily Bronte herself even had the idea that her genius, her great gift as a writer, had made her into a lonely, tragic figure. Generally, having such a demon lover ends tragically. People become incapable of living and relating to others; they are sucked away into the dream world and into the unconscious.

(p. 165)

One of the dreams that made me start questioning things was when a "new lover" showed up, one that was going to be more reliable than G. And the animus is reliable... and reliable at cutting you off from real relationships. Or being the person you're supposed to be. Or growing, which means relating to others, not running away from them to live a perfect life with the perfect lover in your imagination.

He's also made his appearance in previous dreams - for example, I went back to this one by accident and read it in a completely different way this time (the edit where I change my interpretation is all the way at the bottom.)


Wisdom

There is a great psychological danger in the figures which Jung called animus and anima. These contrasexual elements can estrange a human being completely from reality and society. The animus, like the anima, is a very ambiguous, very dangerous inner figure which must be approached with great wisdom.

(p. 165)

So what do we do? Let's not let the negative animus make any of it's blanket pronouncements. Sometimes you have to run away. In my case, I was informed (in my dream) that I needed to talk with him. My first impulse was to fight him, but I guess talking is the best way for me right now. Below, von Franz talks about one way of dealing with the destructive animus:

The classical example of the destructive animus, which the women has at all costs to escape, is illustrated in the famous fairy tale of Bluebeard, in which the heroine gets into a castle where she secretly discovers that the owner has cut up and slaughtered all his former wives. After discovering this terrible secret she, with the help of her brothers, barely manages to escape. Bluebeard is the classical image of the destructive animus. If a woman cannot escape the self-destructive and self-annihilating thoughts of the negative animus, it may lead to a severe psychological disturbance. Women who can't escape their Bluebeard generally become isolated, bitter women whom men cannot love, who find no partners, and how live in bitter isolation, if not in an even worse situation.

(p. 164)

This is just one way of dealing with the animus but, as in all relationships, there are no rules in our relationship with our inner man. Sometimes we have to do run away from him, sometimes the complete opposite. All we can do, as with any relationship, is to try to be present and do what comes up naturally, from the depths of our being.

The consequences of having a bad relationship with our animus can range from a lack of energy and drive, being a doormat, to being a shrill, angry shrew. But on the other side, a healthy relationship with our animus gives a woman strength and drive, the ability to think clearly, but with tolerance. Last night I did another reading - it was about a dream I'd had but the answer that came up was about the animus. I was trying to figure out what the reading was about, wondering if the King of Cups card was about G again, when I realized it was about my animus.

Usually a man of art or religion, the King of Cups appears as a wise advisor and a noble healer. He listens to the suggestions of others, even when they are in conflict with his own carefully formed opinions. He never judges, never blames others for their faults, and is always a sympathetic supporter.

The appearance of the King is often a sign that you should employ peace and tolerance to solve your problems. Use diplomacy rather than force, and accept different points of view. Do not blame others for their failures, but help them see how they can succeed again.

When I read this I was so moved by the vision of what he could be. And I remembered that when I was projecting my "bright shadow*" onto love interests, this was exactly the kind of man I was attracted to. I knew G wasn't a mere projection of my desired but unavailable traits because... well, because he's not that kind of man at all. And I no longer feel drawn to those kind of men, probably because I'd withdrawn those projections. But now, after this experience with the negative animus, and seeing what he can be, I realize that what I was drawn to wasn't just the things I felt I didn't have. It was the things I do have, as my animus. Now I have to work at freeing him from the role of the Demon Lover so that he can finally be who he's meant to be; the calm and powerful King of Cups.


* A bright shadow is the opposite of a dark shadow. Where the dark shadow is made up of the undesirable parts of yourself that you project onto the people you find repulsive, your bright shadow is made up of the desired parts of yourself that are equally invisible to you that you project onto the people you are attracted to.


Note: All quotes come from Fraser Boa's Conversations on Jungian Dream Interpretation with Marie-Louise von Franz, including the poem that starts the post.

From transference to the heirosgamos

"These are angels!" I called out "Yes," he replied, "that is you." I saw the gray curtain that separated the two angels, and the teacher explained, "That is the veil of illusion." It had lots of holes. I was deeply moved and shouted, "Oh, it's falling away, it's falling away," and I had the feeling that thousands of years that had been lived through in the half-conscious hope that it could be broken through were now fulfilled. I went to the angel who was "me" and saw a silver string reaching down from him into a very tiny creature that was also "me" in the realm of illusion. Another string reached down into a woman down there. It was Alberta. The two angels seemed identical and sexless, and they could "think together" in a kind of identicalness (that sometimes happened to me with Alberta in reality "down there'). And we thought, "Such a small part of our consciousness lives in these little creatures, and they worry about such little things. Poor little creatures!" And we saw that their union could not come about properly if the two little creatures did not fulfill their obligations to those near them rather than following their egoistic desires. And at the same time it was clear to us that it would be a sin against that "ultimate reality" (a sin against the Holy Ghost?) if we did not go on with the process of mutual striving for consciousness.

(from Psychotherapy, by Marie-Louise von Franz)



I seem to be smack dab in the middle of some serious Animus work (projections, transference, etc.), as will be obvious to anyone who's read the last few months of this blog, and this post is largely a continuation of the post about relationships I'd done a couple of months ago. In that post I explored how romantic attachments (or obsessions) are a part of the individuation process. This post is a really condensed overview of what I think that process looks like - I'll go explore the various aspects in later posts.

The hierosgamos, the sacred marriage of Goddess and God, is basically the symbol of ultimate individuation, the union of opposites. It's often associated with other images of individuation (like the Holy Grail) and I think it's the reason why we tend to be obsessed with romance in our society. We no longer fall in love with God (or Goddess); now, the literal relationship between men and women has become the sacred space where we meet the Other. And this can lead to some serious problems, as is obvious from the high divorce rates our marriages suffer from. But if our romantic relationships are a kind of vale of tears, it's also where we meet the Soul... if we're lucky. And if we work hard.

As usual I'm going to be borrowing heavily from Marie-Louise von Franz because, quite honestly, I couldn't really say it better than she has.


Transference

The anima is a kind of desire or a system of expectations that a man has in relation to a woman, an erotic-relationship fantasy. If outer expectations like ordinary sensual desire or schemes regarding money, power, and so on, get mixed up with it, everything is lost. Thus conscious recognition of the anima means loving the other for herself and for love's sake. "When I follow my love, then my love is fulfilled." Only for a man who pursues the anima for her own sake does she become Beatrice. For such a man she becomes a bridge to the transcendental realms. "Meditating, I followed the path of love," as Dante expresses it. But the anima is initially also to be found in a man's ambition, and thus she entangles him in guilt and error if he does not consciously recognize his lust for power. If a man is incapable of this, he finally ends up completely isolated in a state of possession

We could also apply this description to the animus, which is really a system of understanding.

For the animus what counts is insight or truth for truth's sake over and against any admixture of sensuality or power craving. Only a woman who loves the truth for its own sake can integrate the animus, and then he becomes, like the anima, a bridge to the Self, that is, to the knowledge of the Self. And when two people in a relationship with each other are on the path of a reciprocal individuation process, then the motif of the coniunctio of a suprapersonal couple is constallated. Jung pointed out in the citation given at the beginning that in the hierosgamos, it is not two egos that are face to face, but rather "everyone whose heart we touch." This strange multiplicity is very difficult to understand. It is as though in the "beyond" there exists only one divine couple, Shiva and Shakti, who are in eternal embrace, and the earthly human being participates in their coniunctio only as a "guest at the feast."

 (1, p. 251)


Transference is basically taking an unconscious image of an archetype and laying it over some new person. For example let's say your father was authoritarian. If you meet an older man who provides a convenient hook (by being strong willed or demanding, for example) then you react to him in a way that's out of proportion to anything he's actually done. Just the memory, possibly not even conscious, of this archetypal relationship infects your present relationship. This makes sense from a basic biological psychology perspective; all animals make emotional associations. This is an adaptive response that enables them to make instant decisions about things that might be harmful or helpful. But we humans take this even further.

There are 4 stages in the process from transference to the hierosgamos:

1. archaic identity (or "participation mystique")
2. mutual projections
3. personal relationship
4. fated togetherness in "eternity"

Archaic identity is an unconscious state in which we aren't even aware of being possessed by these images, we simply unquestioningly assume that they're real - there really is a ghost, that tree really is talking to me, gods and demons really do exist. This is why projections can be so useful; it's only when these unconscious parts of ourselves are projected onto another person that we can start to become aware of them, and then proceed with the difficult process of owning and withdrawing those projections.

In the second stage, at first we're not even aware that there's any projecting going on, we just think we're relating to the person as they are (i.e. we're "in love"). But this isn't love. It's a facsimile of love that "creates an unrealistic erotic attraction darkened by infantile demands and prejudices". (1, 238) For as long as the beloved doesn't do anything that violates our projection, everything is bliss. But sooner or later (usually sooner), we see them for the mere human beings they really are.

If, however, we can get beyond the stage of mutual projections and accept the other for the special and unique person they are, we can get to the stage of personal relationship. This is where we finally start to have a real relationship, and it's where the hard work really begins; the difficult questions of finding a moving balance between intimacy and distance, and staying present regardless of whatever emotional upheaval you're undergoing. And yet, it's also the gateway to the fourth and final stage, the hierosgamos.


The Heirosgamos

This brings us to the fourth aspect, which I have called a "fated togetherness in eternity," the real mysterium coniunctionis. This stage has to do with the experience of the Self, the inner wholeness that cannot be understood intellectually, but only through love. Jung writes: "This love is not transference and it is not ordinary friendship or sympathy. It is more primitive, more primeval and more spiritual than anything we can describe." In this realm, it is no longer two individuals relating with each other on the personal level, but the "many, including yourself and anybody whose heart you touch." There, "there is no distance, but immediate presence. It is an eternal secret..." In a certain sense, in the manifestation of this fourth aspect a return to the first aspect takes place, but on a higher, more conscious level. For that reason an inkling of this highest stage is already present in the first and brings about the depth of passion with which many try to cling to the stage of participation mystique and to fight off a conscious coming to terms with, and recognition of, the limited human reality.

 (1, p. 245)


This is the final stage (about which I'm just using my imagination, hence the even more liberal use of other people's quotes.)  Most relationships don't even get beyond the second stage because most people don't even realize they're projecting, let along do the hard work of owning and withdrawing their projections. But if they can get to the third stage, of personal relationship, and endure the uncertainty and maintain their presence with the other, they can occasionally touch upon the eternal relationship.

As in the third stage, the hierosgamos requires a moving balance, as it is "both more primitive and more spiritual than anything we are capable of describing. The king and queen [the spiritual couple], as well as the the animals [the instinctive couple], represent something completely transpersonal, like something that exists in the divine realm, beyond space and time. That is why the dream tells us that the royal couple are 'strangers to the world.' The human ego has to help them move in this concrete sphere. The dream beautifully depicts the intermediate position of the ego, which on the one hand imposes a certain spiritual discipline on the animals and on the other has to provide the royal couple with an element of earthly reality." (1, p. 247)

With the awareness and strength to withdraw projections, and with the continual struggle to find the difficult and moving balance between sexuality and spirituality, we may finally attain the hierosgamos. This is the reason why love (and desire) exercises such fascination for us; because it is through our relationships that we come face to face with the Divine.

When this event is highlighted in the background of a human encounter, when the god and goddess are present, then a feeling of eternity arises, as though the moment of the earthly encounter were now and always at the same time, as Jung expressed it, an "immediate presence." Thus Jung wrote in his memoirs that "emotional ties... still contain projections, and it is essential to withdraw these projections in order to attain oneself and to objectivity... objective cognition lies hidden behind the attraction of the emotional relationship; it seems to be the central secret. Only through objective cognition is the real coniunctio possible."

(1, p. 253)


Books referenced

1. von Fran, Marie-Louise, Psychotherapy.

The urge to become whole is the strongest drive in a human being, and that is what is really hidden behind the deeper passion in the transference. At the end of his life, Jung admitted: "I falter before the task of finding language which might adequately express the incalculable paradoxes of love. Eros is a kosmogonos, a creator and father-mother of all... consciousness.... Here is the greatest and smallest, the remotest and nearest, the highest and lowest, and we cannot discuss one side of it without discussing the other... If he [man] possesses a grain of wisdom, he will lay down his arms and name the unknown by the more unknown, ignotum per ignotius - that is, by the name of God."

And once in a conversation, he said, "The problem of love is so difficult that a person has to be happy if at the end of his life he can say that no one has been destroyed on his account."

(from Psychotherapy, by Marie-Louise von Franz)

Ethics, individuation and personal choice

One of the things that bothers European (and those of European descent like American and Canadian) visitors to India is what appears to be a casual attitude about the vast, visible suffering one experiences every day. Apparently this is due to the Hindu belief in reincarnation that everyone gets the lives they "deserve" (although I suspect it also has a lot to do with rationalizing social inequalities as well). Are ethics, in the sense of feeling and acting on a moral imperative to help those in need, compatible with the view that everything that happens to us is a learning experience?

First off, I want to explore the idea of "karma". Typically this is seen as the "you get what you deserve," eye for an eye, tooth for a tooth kind of cosmic justice. This just seems wrong to me. Satisfying, yes, but it misses the whole point of life. Life isn't a giant account book where everything eventually evens out. Life is something our souls choose to experience so that it can learn, experience and grow. Our soul chooses the life we live. At every moment it decides what problems and challenges are going to confront us, so that it might experience those things. So karma is better seen not as what we deserve so much as exactly what we need.

But what about people who are born to abject misery? What about children who are born to sick, starving mothers just to die horribly? On the one hand, if you believe that every soul chooses it's destiny, you'd have to believe that that child's soul chose to be born at that place and time, to experience that particular life.

Just to take a step back, how about a less extreme example... You often meet people who seem stuck in their lives. From the outside, it's perfectly clear where they're going wrong, and either they can't see it themselves or they won't. These people are being offered the opportunity to grow but they always just run away from it because, let's face it, growth is painful. Is this "just their karma"? Or does personal choice come into play?

Everyone has a choice. Their choices may be more narrow or more broad, easier or more difficult, but we're constantly being presented with the ability to choose one thing or another, even if the only choice we can make is our attitude towards a situation. Accepting that the Ego is merely a useful construct helps us to detatch from it and take a larger view, but it doesn't negate personal responsibility and choice. In fact, our choice is everything. It's not what is done to us, but what we ourselves do that matters. But the more you detach from Ego, - the more you identify with the Soul behind the Ego - the less you can rely on rules. You have to feel out each situation and make the (usually) hard choice required.

Springtime awakenings

It's been getting lighter earlier (and warmer!) lately - I feel like I'm waking from a post-December holidays hibernation. Spent the last two months focusing on health issues and have discovered that I'm not only gluten intolerant but dairy intolerant (WHAT NO CHEESE??! SAY IT AIN'T SO!!!)

That being said, I have to admit that I'm amazed at how much diet affects mood! Although things  at work are kind of scary, I've been in an energetic and excellent mood since removing grains, legumes, dairy, sugar and industrial seed oils from my diet.

At any rate, although I've been focusing mostly on absorbing as much about Paleo/GAPS/leaky gut nutrition information as I can stuff in my head in my waking hours, life has been chugging along, whether I pay attention to it or not. Which became clear to me when I did my first tarot reading in ages - things have been coming to a head at work and, although I'm glad that I focused my energies on healing my body, my ability to distance myself from the ego monkey has definitely suffered. Either that, or things are just getting more challenging. Life does have a way of prodding you along when it's time to grow...