(von Franz, Psychotherapy, p. 254)
It's a hard, hard road. Hard! I'm struggling with this stupid, goddam, painful, annoying, humiliating "romance" thing (can't even really call it a romance because nothing ever actually happens with it.) Wanting to give in again but, besides getting some clear signals from my dreams, I got slapped in the face by the subconscious this morning by while I was reading on the train: "No running away from the work!"
Wanting to just give up and push these inconvenient (to say the least) feelings away again. I am SO. TIRED. OF. THIS! This thing where I guess I'm supposed to be using my feelings for G to individuate has been going on for a good half year, and I am so tired of it!!!
At any rate, I did a bad thing and did what Jung would call magic*. Spiritual growth is accomplished by listening to the messages from the subconscious, which often appear as freakish, synchronistic events. Shit just happens - my rational side can't explain it and it makes that part of me very uncomfortable, I can tell you. Magic, on the other hand, is when the ego tries to use the power of the subconscious to do something, especially to affect others. Which I did. I imagined him no longer in my life, not thinking about me, not coming by my desk every goddam day to talk. And I imagined my feelings no longer going out towards him. I put the lioness in a cage, with images of every single time he rejected us and pushed us away, so she would stop jumping out to try to get to him.
Even as I was doing it, I knew that it was wrong, but I was so hurt and so... tired. I just want to want someone who's not so afraid and always running away from everything. Especially me! But regardless, I got my answer, both in the dream referred to above, but also in what ended up in the reading rotation this morning.
As soon as I opened the book to read it I just groaned. Seriously, sometimes the subconscious likes to beat a dead horse. To death. But I guess that's what I needed. Also, I had suicidal thoughts (actually, more like "I wish I could just disappear" thoughts) last night, which is always an indication of a something big coming up from the subconscious. This appears to be it; the stronger your resistance, the bigger the explosion.
Before I get into things I want to include a quote that just leapt out at me. Unfortunately this is telling me, in no uncertain terms, what I'm supposed to do:
The painful, sticky, unresolved quality of the situation must simply be endured by both sides. In fact, Jung writes in a letter that people become entangled in unanswered love when it is important for them to avoid an erotic experience of individuation, that is, from the striving toward greater consciousness(von Franz, Psychotherapy, p. 241)
This post is going to be largely selections from the chapter titled "Some Aspects of the Transference" from Marie-Louse von Franz's book Psychotherapy - in light of the crisis I've been going through, the entire chapter was like the ringing of a huge, cosmic bell. Later I'm going to post something about the animus, the anima and the heirosgamos itself.
What's really a "fated" relationship?
From almost the beginning of this relationship I've had the feeling that it was fated, that we were brought together to work out issues and grow. I also thought that we were "meant to be together" but reading the following gave me a shock that's forcing me to re-evaluate everything.
[M]any do not interpret their own love fantasies as projections but rather as necessary relationships "destined" by life or the Self just because this is really their own secret desire. In this way one is simply taken over by an unconscious lust or rejection tendency, with negative results for both parties involved.
(von Franz, Psychotherapy, p. 241)
Is that what this is? Am I projecting a fantasy simply because I want it so much? I'm really struggling to see where the ego is in all of this, and where the Self. There are definitely things coming from the ego: the need to have a relationship in order to be "normal" ("If you're alone it must be because there's something wrong with you.") But also the desire for physical closeness. How much of what I feel is coming from the Self and how much from the ego? This afternoon, while thinking about this, I got the definite sense that ego desires have contaminated my feelings for G, and are also the source my feelings of wanting to run away from him. The question is: what am I supposed to do about it?
[I]t can be as misguided to affect elevated spirituality as a way of evading concrete obligations as to let the relationship degenerate onto an atavistic-primitive level. These two represent a Scylla and Charybdis through which one has to steer one's way.
[T]ransference always does lead to crucifixion, that is, to the death of the natural - that is, unconscious - person one has hitherto been. We are the crossing point for conflicting forces, first for the manifestation of our own shadow in the form of jealousy, territoriality, sexual passions, and so on; and second for the fact that the partner is not as we would have him or her; and third for the contents of the collective unconscious, which through the transference come to the surface and begin to have a shaping influence on our destiny. All this leads to a death of the ego, and if everything goes right, to the birth of the Self. The principal task in this phase, as we know, is coming to terms with the animus and anima.
(von Franz, Psychotherapy, p. 250)
Is it love? Or is it just a power play?
One thing was highlighted in this last round of me attacking/G running away; that this was a stereotypical incident for us. One could even say that it characterizes or relationship: He starts talking about how hard a time he's having. I come back trying to push him to do something about it. He runs away, and then I get hurt.
I definitely care about him. I do. In fact, even when I try to back off and not to get involved I get sucked back into everything when he starts talking about feelings of despair and like he'll never be able to accomplish anything. The very reason I push him is because I feel compelled to help him. But the question is, is this really the right way to go about things?
I recall this in connection my first analysis with a seriously disturbed analysand, a borderline case. I tried desperately with all the forces at my command to prevent her from slipping into a psychotic episode. At that point Jung had me come to see him. He listened to the whole story and then said very seriously, "What makes you so sure that the analysand doesn't have to go through an episode? Many people improve after such an episode. What makes you think you know her destiny so precisely? Perhaps you are hindering the very thing that according to God's will should happen."... Too much Christian helping spirit is, as Jung once wrote, "an invasion of the will of the other. One should behave like someone who is offering an opportunity that can be either grasped or turned aside. Otherwise one gets into difficulties. This is so, because the human being is not totally good, but is nearly half a devil."
(von Franz, Psychotherapy, p. 243)
This is definitely not how I approached G. I'm generally very detached from people - friendly but I don't push one way or another. If you choose to take my advice... good. If not... *shrug*. But when I care about someone or something, I push. Sometimes I do act casually with G... then he just walks away when he's starting to feel overwhelmed, and comes back when he needs another dose. No harm, no foul. But when I feel intensely, too lioness-y, I charge him, sending him running for the hills.
This image of "offering an opportunity," as if you're offering your hand in a friendly, encouraging but non-obtrusive way, really struck me. It's how I generally am, and it's interesting to see how others react when I start with the pushing. Or how I balk when I feel others pushing me in a similar fashion. This is clearly what von Franz means when she talks about a power play. It's all about forcing your will on others. Even when it's with the very best of intentions, it's still a violation.
At the same time, when I'm casual I'm also not invested; I have vague feelings of concern and caring but, let's face it, when I'm casual it's because I don't really care. Not really. I push because I care... I push when I care. The trick is to care deeply, but not try to force people to do something "for their own good." Keeping this delicate, living balance is another Scylla and Charybdis.
While I was thinking about writing this post, and re-reading the chapter, the thought occurred to me: Which is more important, having a romance relationship like everyone else has, with the lack of consciousness and everything else most people are mired in? Or to live a more full, whole life, where I'm connected with the Self/God? Which do I want more?
I thought to myself that I had agreed that I would submit to whatever was required of me. I was still rebellious and resistant but coming down the other side. And for a moment I felt the lightness that being connected with the Self brings.
Edit
12/23/11
While writing a general introduction to Jung's ideas I came across the following quote:
In spite of being disturbing and socially dangerous, projections also have a meaning; for it is apparently only through projections that we can make ourselves conscious of certain unconscious processes. Through projections there arise, first of all, those fascinations, affects, entanglements which then force us to reflect on ourselves. There is no becoming conscious without the fires of emotion and suffering.That says everything, right there.
*Footnote on terminology
The words "witch" or "magic" are used here in the sense that Jungian analysts like Marie-Louise von Franz use them, as ways of using the subconscious to manipulate other people or reality. Witches, in the sense of practitioners of Wicca, are completely different, and have little or nothing to do with the terms in the Jungian sense. The same goes for other words, like "magic."
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