Friday, July 8, 2011

The difference between fantasies and visions

I haven't been talking with any of the archetypes lately. At the same time, I've been fantasizing about the future of this possible relationship with Mr. Hades, like, non-stop! And last night I realized something - there's something not right here.

It was really hard to stop, the fantasies were so compulsive! But I would stop and try to envision Mr. Hades at that moment and what he was maybe doing at that time, and there was a qualitative difference. When I was immersed in my fantasy life with him, it felt more like when I fantasize about books I'm reading. There was an unreality to it that differs from my visions of talking with my archetypes - then, they really feel there. This must be why really great writing has a life and spirit to it, while Mary Sue's are so freaking BORING - it's because they're dead.

When I was fantasizing about this wonderful life we could have, I wasn't actually with him, while when I was wondering about what he was doing, I was. Even if I wasn't with him in body, my mind was with Mr. Hades the man, and not my fantasy about what he's going to do for me and make me feel. It didn't matter if I was thinking about what he's doing right now, or remembering an exchange we had, it felt more like I was with him, because I was thinking about him. Also, I noticed that I tended to avoid remembering our experiences because I felt a little uncomfortable when we were together (and hence, not very conducive to perfect fantasies.) When I stopped fantasizing and started musing, I realized that the discomfort and the feeling of disconnection I had while with him came from the suppression of Pesephone's feelings of needing to please Mr. Hades and get him to like her. THEN all those wonderful, suffocating feelings of dread came flooding in and I had to deal with that for a while. Seriously, for a while there it felt so bad I was almost afraid I was going to have problems breathing - it was like a great, huge weight on my chest. When it was over, there was still some left - I guess the normal amount one feels when starting a relationship.

You can't avoid feeling all of these scary feelings when you really relate with people... especially romantically. Every kind of relationship will, on occasion, bring up feelings and issues but romance is like the flaming hot crucible of personal growth. All the pain and fear and feelings of inferiority and panic that live waaaaay down in your own inner Marianas Trench come pouring out of the depths. Whoo-boy.

Had a little experience with Persephone, who's shaken up and just wants a very large pizza (with pepperoni!) She's pretty young right now, and a little weepy and vulnerable. I just put my arm over her little shoulders and told her everything was going to be ok - its ok to feel this way. Just feel what you feel. You don't have to feel or be anything different. Even if he decides he doesn't like you (and, seriously, how likely do you think that is, hmm, Persephone?) you'll be ok.

But you know he likes you. And that he's probably "the one," so let's go get that pepperoni pizza and stuff our face!

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