Wednesday, April 11, 2012

A flash of sunlight

Last night I had an incredible breakthrough (I think). I feel like I'm on the other side of this thing with G - my feelings have been slowly withdrawing. It's not over yet, and I'm still not sure what the whole point of it was, but I've been alternating between sad and nostalgic and angry and happy and all sorts of different kinds of feelings.

Yesterday, while I was on my epic commute home (which took me HOURS because of train problems), at one point I had a breakthrough. I can't even really remember what it was like but I know it was instigated because I thought "What if the point of my life is to be mortified?" I was thinking about how the ego hates being mortified, and will often even choose to go insane rather than face it's own embarrassment. And then I thought about how so often I find myself embarrassing myself (thanks inferior feeling function!) and this whole thing with G has been incredibly mortifying (I still don't know if he even really liked me or if I massively misread him.) During the course of these ponderings I wondered, "Is the purpose of this particular incarnation I'm living to be constantly and completely mortified?"

... Then something happened that I can't describe - I almost can't remember - but for a moment I was in touch with the Self. Then it disappeared. I get flashes of it - I think what it is is the thinning of the ego, and the Self shining out, like the sun coming out suddenly from behind a cloud and then disappearing again.

Later, I thought about it and realized I'm somewhere in the middle - I have some good things, and some bad things; some strengths and some weaknesses. As I think most of us do. In astrology, there are good aspects to a person's chart and challenging ones - they say that we should be grateful for challenging aspects because it's by dealing with them that we grow. People with really easy charts never learn or grow. Which is why we're here, right?

Edit 4/12/12

Well, it hit me last night what the Queen of Pentacles in my reading means... it means me. I'm supposed to become the Queen of Pentacles.

A Queen of fertility and harvest, her talents extend to mothering and nurturing as well with the ability to sustain and care for all kinds of life. She is materially wealthy, but even that is superseded by the wealth she has built through kindness and generosity. The person known as the Queen of Pentacles is often a mother, but sometimes she will express motherly dedication and love despite having no children of her own. Her watery quality gives her the intuitive and emotional skills needed of a good mother, while the Pentacles suit gives her a solid schooling in material matters and affairs. Though not necessarily rich in terms of money, she is always rich of heart, and she shares her wealth with all those in need.

When the Queen of Pentacles inside of you starts manifesting, the signs are unmistakable. Generosity will become a priority, as will trustworthiness and reliability. You will gain insight into both matters of money and matters of the heart, and through these you can find a path to spiritual enlightenment. The Queen of Pentacles is, in many ways, a bridge between the worlds of the mundane and the spectacular. Step across that bridge once you are ready, and delight in the opulence and pure beauty. Then you can return to the material world to help others find their way. You may not be acknowledged, but you will never be unhappy either.

Last night I was going over the reading again, and that's when it hit me: all the dreams where I'm protecting the children, especially the last one, and how, ever since I can remember, people have told me that I was so nurturing, so good with kids. I always denied it - first of all, being "motherly" and "nurturing" is boring and uncool. But, more importantly, I always felt like the one who needed mothering. And these are the kinds of women I've always been drawn to... just like I've always been drawn to warm, confident men. In the same way that I projected my animus out onto the men I was romantically attracted, I've projected my nurturing side onto women who are nurturing. But the nurturing person is me!

I've always felt nurturing towards people - it's my great strength. I care about people and want them to be happy and to taken care of. This has always been a big part of my personality but I haven't been able to live it... until now. I wasn't able to fully embrace this side of me until now, when the little girl was taken care of, and then the teen girl felt all the crazy feelings that teens feel. Now that I have experience as a girl and a young woman, I can move onto the experience as a mature woman.

I wonder if the relationship with G was the way it was for this reason; maybe on a subconscious level he was playing the role I required from him and that's why he felt and did what he did. Or maybe it's just that we could have been great but he flubbed it, but that doesn't mean I haven't learned a lot from the experience. Either way, now I know what that Fool card was all about...

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