The "I"

Been going through some crazy shit at work so my ego's been in an uproar, but this whole experience appears to be my "senior thesis" of personal growth. I've been doing everything I know to do; releasing the emotions as they come up, doing readings, trying to keep my inner ear open to the inner voice. I thought about taking a page from F's practice and writing what I want the outcome to be in a Wish Diary but decided to leave it in the Self's hands (so to speak), wishing simply that whatever was the best for me happen, and that I be soft and permeable enough to let It act through me.

This morning as I was lying in bed I was thinking "Whatever You (the Self) want, let me be in line with You, let my ego be soft and permeable to express You" when suddenly, I felt the artificiality of the ego. Consciously I've known for a while that the ego itself is a complex - a psychic structure built up in childhood as a way to exist, survive and thrive in this world. But this morning, for the first time, I felt it. And with that felt knowing, when the ego started doing it's thing, the words "The 'I' is feeling this" or "The 'I' is feeling that" came into my  head. It's the "I" that's worried about what's going to happen and if there are going to be financial difficulties. And I realized that it's the "I" that wants to be approved - the need for approval appears to be my ego's main driving force (which makes sense for a Persephone.) Not being liked exactly... being approved of.

This latest experience at work has been a flaming crucible of personal growth, with this latest crisis helping "me" separate from "it" (the ego.)